What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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