My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
