just come out here and I will go home with you...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
