3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
