I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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