Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i drank out of a bidet.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
