She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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