god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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