i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
