I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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