Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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