so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
