Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
