Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I stole a fireplace last night.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
