My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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