My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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