So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
