She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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