My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
