So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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