I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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