So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
