I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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