she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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