you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
