my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
