Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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