I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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