They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
