My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
