3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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