WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
