i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
