She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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