I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
