Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
cat food counts as protein by the way
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
