Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
