oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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