I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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