Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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