His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
we should paint friendship bongs
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