I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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