She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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