dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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