Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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