Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Terrible idea I love it
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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