I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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