just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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