You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
