I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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