Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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