I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
